Updated: Jun 14, 2019
“Are they the one?”
If you’re asking this question, you’re not in a state of knowing. You might be in a state of curiosity or excitement, but chances are, you’re in a state of confusion.
And confusion is generally felt when we’re putting too much pressure on ourselves to figure things out. You don’t know, and you don’t want to make the wrong decision and it is a huge decision. Breathe, take the pressure off. We could start a whole new conversation about what beliefs are causing these pressures, but I’ll leave that for you to explore.
There is a theory called the paradox of choice, which says the more choices we have, the more anxious we feel and time we waste in making a decision. When we’re inundated with dating choices, which we are in this day and age, more options are not freeing, they’re overwhelming. We lose certainty, we begin to question whether our expectations about “the one” are even realistic or if it’s just a fantasy of disillusionment we’ve been fed. Relationships are our mirrors. And if we’re open to growth, we tend to turn issues back on ourselves. This can be really healthy, but we can also use this against ourselves, and use it to justify staying in an expired relationship.
For those of us who are feeling doubtful, how do we know? We know by reconnecting with ourselves and learning to trust our innate intelligence. And learning to trust yourself is very closely linked to healthy boundaries. Because if we have healthy boundaries, we have a very clear idea of what’s ok and what’s not ok. But if we’ve been raised to be people pleasers, or carers, or to put others needs before our own, if we suffer from a lot of shame-based beliefs we are more likely to have porous boundaries… which means we’re not used to checking in with ourselves.
It’s like building muscle at the gym. If we’re used to working the people pleaser muscle, it’s going to be a lot stronger and louder than trusting our “what do I want” muscle.
So, start working that muscle. You’re going to have to shut off the noise and the social expectations, go within and really listen to yourself. Our body gives us so many hints to our emotional wellbeing. I know for me personally, my throat and my gut and my sleep are huge indications of what is sitting well for me. I notice that when I’m not feeling truthful to myself, when I’m not living in accordance to my values and integrity, my throat constricts, I’m not able to project my voice as well, my gut is prone to bloating and inflammation, and if I’m not at peace, if I’m feeling resistance, I can’t sleep.
Peace is so important, whatever that looks like to you. Ask yourself: does this person contribute to my sense of peace? Can I trust them? Can I be truthful with them? Do I feel like I can be unapologetically myself around them? Do I feel like I have to hide parts of myself with this person? Does this person grow at the same rate I do? Does this person support me living in accordance with my values? Does this person have my best interest at heart?
And reverse the questions, do you foster their sense of peace? Do you have their best interest at heart? And it is not in someone’s best interest to be with them out of guilt or fear of hurting them.
The fact you’re confused is a sign that there is something off, that on some level something isn’t right. You just don’t fully understand or don’t fully trust yourself yet, and the issue might not be with them, it might be with you. Maybe we’re not in a state of empowerment right now. Maybe we’re having a bad month, or we might have unrealistic expectations of our partners, so we need to ensure first and foremost that we’re in a state of balance and empowerment, and that we’re thinking clearly before we take any action. Because if we take action from a space of helplessness, chances are, we’re not making a sound decision, we’re just trying to avoid feeling helplessness. We need to get ourselves into a healthy space, so that we know our decisions are based on healthy grounds.
Which leads me to my next series of questions: are you with this person from a space of lack and fear, or a space of empowerment. Do you feel pushed? Or do you feel liberated? What is keeping you connected? Is it because you don’t think you can do better? Which is a lack state. Is it because you feel like leaving them would hurt them way too much? Are you feeling social or biological or moral pressure? Are you with them for their image or status, and external appearances?
Or, Is it because they enhance your life so much, you appreciate them so much that you want to connect with them simply for the sake of connection. And do you feel connected, alive, or do you feel co-dependent, insecure, empty or pressured? These are two very different energies, and I want you to become aware of which feeling state feels more familiar to you.