Updated: Jan 1, 2020
You pee in one part of the pool, you pee in the entire pool.
What this means is: you have one energy. If you want to change your neurobiology & rewire your brain for possibility, abundance, connection & creativity, you need to be conscious of your energy in holistic terms rather than compartmentalise work/ relationships/ intimate relationships/ diet etc.
For example, if you’re wondering why you’re not getting a promotion at work when you’re working your butt off, & meanwhile remaining in a toxic relationship - let’s strip away the story & look at the underlying emotional climate here. You’re largely running the energy of being undervalued. You’re undervaluing yourself by remaining loyal to poor treatment & this is effecting your reality in the workplace.
Another example: You cannot run the energy of blame without activating your own powerlessness. So if you continue to blame external circumstances “it’s his fault I got fired” “it’s my family’s fault I’m unhappy” those neuropathways for powerless thinking are being strengthened and that is going to have a snowball effect in multiple areas of your life. The brain is being trained & more likely to default to this style of automatic thinking.
The same is true for ruminating on resentments by wishing ill on someone or hoping people do not grow or succeed. Your body doesn’t distinguish between running emotions of hate for someone else vs love for yourself - i.e., you can’t "trick the system” and focus on your resentments towards others whilst somehow safeguarding yourself from the effect of that resentment because you’re a different person.
Strip away the story and external circumstance to look at what emotions and thoughts you are engaging with throughout your day. Let’s say we have the thought “she won’t get off my case, she’s always nagging me, why is she so damn critical” - what must you believe is true in order to think this way? Are your thoughts coming from a space of love and understanding, or do the have their genesis in judgement, resentment and powerlessness (which are extensions of a lack-based or fear-based paradigms)?
This is not to say be naive and see the best in people, or as a justification to remain loyal to an unhealthy relationship, this is to draw attention to how your internal thoughts of external things effect your internal environment.
You are the pool 🌊 There are less boundaries between work, relationships, money, lifestyle, connection to self etc than you think. Those things are more natural extensions of the emotional climate you consistently nurture within. How you approach relationships, how you approach work, how you respond when your self worth is threatened, unquestioned judgements towards others etc etc will effect multiple areas of your life.
This is the equation: Scarcity/ lack/ blame mindset begets more scarcity/ lack/ powerlessness. Heart based mentality generates empowerment/ abundance/ connection. If you want connection, worth, value, safety: drop into the heart and make decisions from the heart. You won’t find your worth in a lack-based scarcity mentality, it will forever be a carrot dangled on a stick.
Quick general tips to implement this practically:
Make a habit of replacing judgement with curiosity.
1. If someone hurts you, instead of reacting, get curious about what emotional response that brings up for you and what you're making it mean, what emotions you're in resistance to and whether this feeling is familiar to you. We tend to attract similar scenarios that call us to respond lovingly to our unhealed wounds. Judgement means you hit a brick wall (and likely repeat cycles), curiosity, flexibility and understanding expands.
There is much less growth and expansion in judgement.
2. Take an inventory of your thoughts, behaviours, attitudes & motivations throughout the day. Question them, challenge them (you may need to let go of your attachment to rightness) notice how many decisions are made from not feeling/ having enough, fear of lack of security or needing to prove yourself and how many are guided from the heart. This is just taking stock. For example, doomsday prepping is an action taken from a space of fear.
Any action we take where we want to control how we are perceived or are more concerned with our appearance indicates we are not in our power.
3. Stop blaming people for your painful circumstances.
Blame is a way we discharge discomfort and exercise control.
Ironically, when we blame, we have less control. We cannot blame without activating our own sense of powerlessness. We are making our feelings at the mercy of external sources. Blame is a state of lack of ownership and accountability.
If you want to feel out of control, blame someone. If you want to regain control, own your experiences, reactions and emotions. The more you buy into the idea you have been tormented and victimised, the more you run that energy of powerlessness.
This isn't about fairness, this is just about the equation of the effect thoughts have on your energy.
Ultimately you will always feel better and more in control when you are accountable for your energy and you see your part and contribution in a situation.
Byron Katie has an excellent set of four questions to help regain your power. You can find them here:
It may be useful to seek help dealing with the underling emotional pain that this may bring up.
4. Resist the urge to run autopilot defensive behaviours by slowing down the process with mindfulness. Our refusal to slow down and sit through our discomfort makes us susceptible to auto-piloting our addictive, avoidant coping mechanisms. Consciously connecting to your breath, and regularly taking big diaphragmatic breaths helps you to connect to the present moment.
5. Invest in healthy, healing practices that connect you to your heart, like inner-child work, counselling, alternative therapies, EMDR, yoga, breath-work, movement, mindfulness or even certain self help books. Anything that helps you process, confront your fears & unpack to the root cause of why they exist is going to expand your awareness.
6. Practice tuning into your heart through meditation, stillness & simply taking a moment to place your awareness in your heart-space. Prioritise working on your relationship to your heart like it is something to be cherished. The heart is much wiser than the mind.
7. Let go of things in your life that do not align to your heart's truth & reinforce a false sense of worthlessness or emotional deprivation. Ideally this looks like: leaving that job that causes you stress or the relationship that refuses to connect on a healthy level and support your wellbeing and growth.
However, if we leave then automatically fall back into old programming, we may end up attracting similar scenarios. Therefore, we need to make sure the emotional root cause attracting us to these scenarios to begin with, is dealt with, not just the symptoms. (Think of toxic people, events and scenarios as symptoms of a deeper emotional cause.)
We need to make sure the emotional root cause attracting us to these scenarios to begin with, is dealt with, not just the symptoms.
8. Detach your self worth from external sources. Your worth is not dependent on how much money you make, how young you look, how many followers you have, how smart or how right you are. Your security & value is not external to you either. The more we assign our sense of security to external sources like money or relationships, the more we declare our power is external to us. When we detach our security from money, or detach our worth from people’s opinions, we move into a state of liberation which will naturally attract more of that feeling state, regardless of our external circumstances.
If we make our sense of internal security or worth jump through hoops “I’ll feel secure when I have X amount of money in the bank” or “I’ll feel worthy when I get a girlfriend/boyfriend” “I’ll feel significant when I'm a public figure” then we forever make our significance/ worth/ security/ [fill in the blank] dependent on external circumstances. We are a slave to our external circumstances. Where is our agency and power when we're a slave?
9. Learn to re-parent yourself. This is a highly intuitive process - when we access answers from within, we access our power. When we constantly seek guidance externally to us about the way we want to parent ourselves, we neglect our own preferences.
What did you need as a child that you never received? Were there circumstances you needed guidance in, or mirroring you did not receive. Parents aren't superheroes, they're people doing their best given the circumstances they went through, the beliefs they held and the way they were socialised. At one point we thought leaving a baby alone to "cry it out" was helpful. We now know that this dangerously creates a myriad of emotional issues, personality and mood disorders. Parenting is evolving as our consciousness and emotional intelligence evolves, and our healing is contributing to that.